Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
You never stop missing your Mother
My Mom died near 10 years now. Even though the acute pain of her loss has diminished with time, every year each major holiday , her birthday , my parents anniversary, I feel the emptiness of her simply not being here.
The simple day to day things she'd have enjoyed with me because she taught me to love and appreciate them. The birds in my garden feeding, the joy of my Monarch waystation, full of healthy caterpillars that just turned into little jade jewels. She would share my excitement at witnessing them emerge as butterflies . Last night very late I let the dog out and marveled at the stars peeping through clouds scudding across the sky due to the proximity of hurricane Irene. She taught to to take notice and appreciate these simple gifts of life.
Mum , I love you , miss you , and I can still feel how you felt when I hugged you.
I KNOW you were with me many times when I was so sick.
Now that I am well our "visits " are less.
I miss you , love you and I know I'll see you again...just not now.
I think you will be near as I celebrate my first solo show in a gallery . "who'da thunk it?"
you'd say with a smile:).
A smile that will be in my heart forever.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Releasing the fear of death
Remember being a little kid and first understanding the concept of death and the terror you felt about your parents dying or yourself? I found as I get older, that concern , and fear starts to diminish into just something you know will happen eventually but It's never that close.
Then one of your parents die...that really brings the reality of your own mortality into focus. When my Mum died it was strange I did not feel OLDER , I felt like a child again. An orphaned child. A sense of hurt and loss I had never imagined.Even now, ten years have passed since she died and thankfully the image in my mind is not how she looked the moment she died, but how she looked just minutes after. Beautiful! Pink, warm, soft, peaceful. The lines of struggle and pain now erased and although I was filled with my own grief and pain I thought how natural and beautiful the process was. My mother brought me into the world, and all of my sisters, my brother and my Dad , even my brother in law and niece and nephew were all there to see her out of this world.
 |
| My mother Grace |
Two years later, I would begin my own journey right to the brink of my own death.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
When life is going well , how easy it is to take it for granted
We never think it could happen to us/ My Road to Transplant
I wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. I started my career as a new graduate at a local hospital, and worked there for 29 years. The last 26 years were in the Emergency Department. I loved the pace and challenge of being in Emergency medicine. I loved helping others, and always tried to care for people as I would want to be treated. Little did I know I would soon be the one who needed care.
I was healthy and athletic my whole life. I ate well, exercised, and did all I could to take care of myself. One morning in December 2003, I woke up with what I thought was the “flu”. It was the season; it was rampant in the ER.(Emergency Dept) Many patients as well as staff had the same thing. Feeling a little guilty for calling in sick due to short staffing, I stayed in bed with my aches, fever, and sniffles for one day, and went back to work as usual. Weeks passed, and I continued to feel tired and just could not kick it. I blamed it on too many hours, hormones, age, you name it. I would go home after my 12 plus hour shift, and try to run with my dog. I could not even get past 2 houses without feeling short of breath.
I took myself to the ER Jan 7, 2004. I knew something was really wrong, but wanted to deny it. I found out I was in CHF, (congestive heart failure)I had cardiomyopathy(enlarged heart) caused by a virus and had a large fluid collection (effusion) around my right lung. All my valves were leaking and I was in trouble. I met my cardiologist that day. I remember him putting his arm around me and telling me he’d get me through this. For three and a half years he was not only my cardiologist but became my friend as well. We remain friends to this day.
After that it was a blur of constant illness and procedures. First, a Mitral valve repair and then 6 months later a Tricuspid valve repair. In between, multiple hospital admissions for CHF, arrhythmias, (irregular heart beats)cardioversions (electrical shocks to return your heart to normal rhythm) and multiple thoracentesis ( needle drainage of fluid from around the lung)for effusions. Almost weekly, a liter or so was taken out of my chest. We could not get my CHF under control. In December 2006, a thoracotomy(open chest surgery) was done to re-expand my right lung and remove all scar tissue. That stopped the fluid around my lung, but it went to my abdomen instead, making me unable to eat. I dropped to 98 lbs on my 5’5’’ frame. I looked and felt terrible. I went frequently to have fluid drained from my abdomen.
I went to Shands Hospital in Gainesville in April 2006. They tried to manage me medically. I continued with the same problems, and by November I was in a downward spiral. I felt my time running out. I felt so bad; it would have been okay to die. I did not want to, but it would be okay.
I was placed on the transplant list March 22, 2007. I prayed to God to give me the chance to live, and the gift would not be wasted. I also prayed to go home even for a day, to see my husband, my home, my cat, and sleep in my own bed for perhaps the last time. I went home after two weeks with a dobutamine drip to wait for a heart. This is a medicine that forces the heart to pump harder, and wears it out more quickly. At this point, I only had weeks to live and would have died without a transplant.This was my last and final option.
Before I was sent home, I had started to feel the sense of something BIG coming. I just knew.
The phone rang at home 36 hours later and I heard the words, “Debra, we have a heart for you”. I think I cried all the way to Gainesville. At some point, a feeling of peace came to me, and I knew I’d be okay. I was getting my chance.
Easter morning, April 8, 2007, God gave me the most wonderful gift. He and a 29 year old woman, through her unselfish act of donation, gave me back my life. I am a new person, and I’m doing great. My life is now be committed to promoting organ donor awareness and education. I am a living example of the miracle it is.
That’s my story , the condensed version. It’s hard to believe four years have flown by and here I am on a path I never imagined. Four years ago I picked up a new camera, and that opened the door to a new path in my journey. More on all this later...
I wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. I started my career as a new graduate at a local hospital, and worked there for 29 years. The last 26 years were in the Emergency Department. I loved the pace and challenge of being in Emergency medicine. I loved helping others, and always tried to care for people as I would want to be treated. Little did I know I would soon be the one who needed care.
I was healthy and athletic my whole life. I ate well, exercised, and did all I could to take care of myself. One morning in December 2003, I woke up with what I thought was the “flu”. It was the season; it was rampant in the ER.(Emergency Dept) Many patients as well as staff had the same thing. Feeling a little guilty for calling in sick due to short staffing, I stayed in bed with my aches, fever, and sniffles for one day, and went back to work as usual. Weeks passed, and I continued to feel tired and just could not kick it. I blamed it on too many hours, hormones, age, you name it. I would go home after my 12 plus hour shift, and try to run with my dog. I could not even get past 2 houses without feeling short of breath.
I took myself to the ER Jan 7, 2004. I knew something was really wrong, but wanted to deny it. I found out I was in CHF, (congestive heart failure)I had cardiomyopathy(enlarged heart) caused by a virus and had a large fluid collection (effusion) around my right lung. All my valves were leaking and I was in trouble. I met my cardiologist that day. I remember him putting his arm around me and telling me he’d get me through this. For three and a half years he was not only my cardiologist but became my friend as well. We remain friends to this day.
After that it was a blur of constant illness and procedures. First, a Mitral valve repair and then 6 months later a Tricuspid valve repair. In between, multiple hospital admissions for CHF, arrhythmias, (irregular heart beats)cardioversions (electrical shocks to return your heart to normal rhythm) and multiple thoracentesis ( needle drainage of fluid from around the lung)for effusions. Almost weekly, a liter or so was taken out of my chest. We could not get my CHF under control. In December 2006, a thoracotomy(open chest surgery) was done to re-expand my right lung and remove all scar tissue. That stopped the fluid around my lung, but it went to my abdomen instead, making me unable to eat. I dropped to 98 lbs on my 5’5’’ frame. I looked and felt terrible. I went frequently to have fluid drained from my abdomen.
I went to Shands Hospital in Gainesville in April 2006. They tried to manage me medically. I continued with the same problems, and by November I was in a downward spiral. I felt my time running out. I felt so bad; it would have been okay to die. I did not want to, but it would be okay.
I was placed on the transplant list March 22, 2007. I prayed to God to give me the chance to live, and the gift would not be wasted. I also prayed to go home even for a day, to see my husband, my home, my cat, and sleep in my own bed for perhaps the last time. I went home after two weeks with a dobutamine drip to wait for a heart. This is a medicine that forces the heart to pump harder, and wears it out more quickly. At this point, I only had weeks to live and would have died without a transplant.This was my last and final option.
Before I was sent home, I had started to feel the sense of something BIG coming. I just knew.
The phone rang at home 36 hours later and I heard the words, “Debra, we have a heart for you”. I think I cried all the way to Gainesville. At some point, a feeling of peace came to me, and I knew I’d be okay. I was getting my chance.
Easter morning, April 8, 2007, God gave me the most wonderful gift. He and a 29 year old woman, through her unselfish act of donation, gave me back my life. I am a new person, and I’m doing great. My life is now be committed to promoting organ donor awareness and education. I am a living example of the miracle it is.
That’s my story , the condensed version. It’s hard to believe four years have flown by and here I am on a path I never imagined. Four years ago I picked up a new camera, and that opened the door to a new path in my journey. More on all this later...
Monday, June 27, 2011
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